


Like a Shadow Play

by AngelsFallFirst



Category: Nightwish
Genre: F/M
Language: English
Status: In-Progress
Published: 2019-09-15
Updated: 2020-04-05
Packaged: 2020-10-19 01:43:49
Rating: Mature
Warnings: Graphic Depictions Of Violence, Major Character Death, Rape/Non-Con, Underage
Chapters: 8
Words: 16,833
Publisher: archiveofourown.org
Story URL: https://archiveofourown.org/works/20649152
Author URL: https://archiveofourown.org/users/AngelsFallFirst/pseuds/AngelsFallFirst
Summary: After writing Shadow Play, she woke up.She woke up in a nightmare - her reality.Her perfect life had only been a phantasm and this was her reality.





	1. Chapter 1

**Author's Note:**

> [!Angst, depression, self harm, etc!]

"Good morning, Miss Turunen, how are you today?"  
The voice of the nurse was nice and calm.  
Tarja lifted her head and looked at her with tiredness in her eyes.  
"Where am I?" she asked quietly. For weeks she had been asking the same question over and over again. She just couldn't get used to the steady answer.  
"In a mental home, sweetie," the nurse said gently and began feeding Tarja with something that looked like oat meal. She replied the same answer every time she asked, but Tarja didn't stop asking. She couldn't.  
"How old am I?" she whispered, staring down at her hands. They looked old ...  
"You turned forty-two last month, darling," the nurse replied. "Open your mouth now."  
Tarja did as demanded. Chewing, she looked around in her cold, white room.  
"Why am I here?" she continued.  
"I'm not the one to tell you," the nurse said again. She would always say the same.  
"Okay," Tarja mumbled. "I am Tarja Turunen ... a singer."  
"Yes," the nurse said.  
"I'm forty-two ... wow. For how long have I been here?" Tarja looked a the nurse with pleading eyes. "I need to go back! Naomi waits! And Marcelo! Let me go!"  
Tarja tried to move but she couldn't.  
The straightjacket didn't let her.  
"What -," Tarja gasped and looked down on herself. "Why am I wearing this?? Let me go!"  
"I'm sorry, Tarja. It's for your own safety." The nurse smiled at her. "But I will bring you to doctor Jokinen now. He will be thrilled that you're able to speak again."  
"This can't be real," Tarja mumbled and squeezed her eyes shut.

_Make me believe,_  
_I must go on,_  
_Life is a warning,_  
_Don't want to risk it anymore._

When Tarja opened her eyes, the room around her had changed.  
She was still wearing a straightjacket but now she was sitting on a soft and very comfortable couch. The old nurse had vanished and instead there was a young man with blonde hair and glasses sitting opposite of her.  
"Are you here?" he asked her.  
"Sure, where else should I be?" Tarja mumbled and the man's eyes went wide.  
"Tarja? You're really here!"  
Tarja could hear the excitement in the man's voice.  
"How long have I been here?" she repeated her question from before. She had no idea what was happening but she needed to find a way out of this mental hospital. She was sure that Naomi was missing her.  
"You don't know that?" the man, Dr. Jokinen, asked. "I haven't been with you from the beginning but Dr. Heikkila wrote down a date for me. Do you know what happened on July 28th in the year 2000?"  
"No idea," Tarja shrugged. "It's been years ... I was still with Nightwish back then."  
"That's true," the doctor said. "On this date you had a gig and -"  
"Can I go now?" Tarja interrupted him. "I have a husband and a daughter, you know?"  
"Naomi?" Dr. Jokinen asked and something in his voice changed. "Marcelo?"  
"Yes," Tarja said. "They're waiting for me."  
"No," the doctor said gently. "No, Tarja. This reality doesn't exist."  
Tarja stared at him in shock. "What? You're kidding."  
"Tarja ... you made it up. You made everything up in your mind, marrying Marcelo Cabuli, having Naomi ... you've spent the last fourteen years here. At this hospital."  
"No," Tarja said slowly. "I've been in Spain and Argentina. With my family. I have a band..."  
"Nightwish."  
"No!" Tarja called. "I parted with them in 2005 -"  
"That's true, to that time your mother brought you here. But somehow you're still a part of them."  
Tarja stared at the doctor. "Wait. My mother? My mother has been already dead back then. She couldn't have -"  
"Your mother is alive, Tarja. I've been telling you for the last couple of months. But you never heard me."  
"This is ridiculous," Tarja laughed. "Okay. What you're saying is, that my dead mother brought me here in 2005, because of an event that hat happened five years before that?"  
"Correct," the doctor said. "Do you remember what happened?"  
"Not at all," Tarja repeated and Dr. Jokinen sighed.  
"Everytime I thought I had you, you drifted away again. Please don't drift away again, Tarja, I need you here."  
"I don't get it, what do you mean with drifting away??" Tarja felt how anger bubbled up in her chest.  
"You always fall back into a trance when we're talking. That's when you make up stories in your mind again. New songs, concerts, time with Naomi."  
Tarja didn't say anything. This was a bad dream. A horrible nightmare.  
"I'm going to tell you what happened, now," Dr. Jokinen said gently and looked at his notes again. "It says that on July 28th in 2000 you got kidnapped and raped in Guadalajara, Mexico."  
Tarja shook her head. "That concert... yeah, I remember. I got attacked on stage but that -"  
"Tarja got kidnapped after the concert," Dr. Jokinen read from his notes, "she didn't come back for the whole night. Her band mates didn't think much about it, as they thought she had gone back to the hotel. But when the leader of the band, Tuomas Holopainen, came back to the hotel in the morning, he found Tarja drugged, unconscious and totally wasted on the ground of her bathroom. She had taken dozens of pills -"  
"No," Tarja whispered.  
"Her arms were cut open and she had bled a lot. They brought her to the hospital, where the doctors had to reanimate her. There Tarja told them she had been raped from not less than three men in a whole night."  
"No!" Tarja screamed and tried to free herself from the straightjacket. "No! I didn't cut myself! I didn't get raped! I didn't try to kill myself! Free me!"  
The doctor watched her for a while, then he stood up and went towards her. With gentle hands he opened the jacket and pulled it off of her.  
"Thanks," Tarja said but then she saw them.  
Her arms.  
She screamed loudly as she spotted the healed but once deep red cuts, big and ugly scars all over her arms.  
"NO!" she screeched and shook her head. "Make them go away! Make them go away!!"  
Dr. Jokinen took her hands. "I'm sorry. But that's the reality. You're schizophrenic and delusional, you made up a whole other world. You're not married to Marcelo Cabuli, you don't have a daughter, your mother is still alive. You live in Finland and you had to quit singing in Nightwish as you couldn't go on anymore. You came here saying that you didn't feel safe anymore. Nowhere. That's the last time you openly talked about your real life."  
Tarja couldn't say anything. She stared at the huge, red scars, praying that everything was just a dream. "I ... really tried to kill myself?"  
"We don't know how often you tried to commit suicide," Dr. Jokinen said and started looking into his notes. "But you didn't stop after coming here. You've always found a way to almost kill - I'm sorry." The man stopped talking after he noticed the tears in his patient's eyes.  
"I don't get it," Tarja mumbled. "I've always had dreams about this. That I was in a mental home, that my mother visited me, even Tuomas visited me ..."  
"Tuomas Holopainen visited you a lot," Dr. Jokinen told her. "He still does."  
Tarja swallowed. "You want to tell me that those weren't dreams, right? That this was the reality and I made up my own reality? A false reality where I was married, had a daughter, a band and an own career. Where I wrote songs."  
"You do write songs," the doctor continued. "I love them and they help you a lot with your situation. So you remember the last song you wrote?"  
"No -," Tarja started but fell silent. She did remember it.  
_I want to leave_  
_This place so wrong._  
_It left me terrified to lose all I am living for._  
"Shadow Play?" she whispered and shook her head again. "I've been writing about those ... dreams, about how I feel inside."  
"Yes, you were indeed writing about your real life, Tarja. _I want to leave, this place so wrong. _You wanted to return to your real life and you succeeded."  
Tarja remained quiet. No. She definitely hadn't wanted to return _here._  
"My daughter is seven," she then said with a shaking voice. "Seven years. I can't just make up seven years in my head!"  
"You fantasized being married to Marcelo Cabuli since 2003," Dr. Jokinen said and went back to the former doctor's notes. "Here. Tarja Turunen made up a whole marriage. A man she only spent time with for a few days, during the tour in South America, fell on his knees years later and asked her to marry him. Tarja was still in Nightwish back then and, to make their split up easier for herself, she made up a drama scene including her made up husband and her former band mate Tuomas Holopainen."  
"I did not make it up, Marcelo and I married in 2003 and Tuomas didn't understand it. He didn't accept it." Tarja's voice was weak.  
"Do you remember your wedding?" Dr. Jokinen asked and Tarja's mouth went open. "Dr. Heikkila's notes say that you don't remember it."  
"I was quite drunk, I guess," Tarja whispered.  
"You weren't drunk," Dr. Jokinen said gently. "The wedding just never happened."  
Tarja kept her mouth shut. This was horrible. The worst nightmare she had ever had.  
"I'm going to tell you again, one by one," her doctor offered and sat back on his couch. "In the year 2000 you got kidnapped and raped, which triggered something inside your mind. Ever since then you've been delusional, schizophrenic and escapistic. Escapism is basically what you've been doing for years, you were forming yourself a better reality. Your band mates and family tried to help you as good as possible but after five years they realised that it wouldn't get any better. Tuomas Holopainen felt horrible dismissing you but he described us that you were totally fine with it. But a few weeks later your mother brought you here - after another suicide attempt. Are you good so far?"  
Tarja shook her head. "No."  
"I'm sorry."  
"I still think this isn't real," Tarja mumbled. Again she stared down on her cut arms.  
"I believe you. That's one sign of escapism. Your false reality is too perfect to give it up but you've made it back here. I'm so proud of you and Dr. Heikkila would be proud as well."  
"Dr. Heikkila," Tarja mumbled. "I remember her from those dreams. She ... died?"  
"Yes. She was very old but one of her last goals was to heal you. I believe that she's watching you now."  
Again Tarja shook her head, buried her face in her palms and closed her eyes. "I've been in a mental home for fourteen years. This is a nightmare. A nightmare ..."

_Alone, imprisoned by the echoes of the empty hall she made a deal with the enemy and let her fences fall._  
_From the dust she build a door to frame new memories,_  
_Once a shadow, dancing with her fears._

As Tarja opened her eyes again, she was back to her cold, unfriendly room. She couldn't remember how she had gotten here and suspected that she had fallen unconscious and a nurse had brought her back. They had put the straightjacket on her again, so she could just lie there and stare to the ceiling.  
She had so many questions ...  
Nightwish. Were they still a band? Did Floor Jansen really sing for them?  
Her fans. Had she made up everything? All those meetings with them, all those signing sessions and concerts, festivals ...  
Sharon. Had she even fantasized about Sharon den Adel being her friend? About singing with her, making a song with her together?  
Tarja wished she had a mobile phone right now, she needed to look those things up. If there was a song called _Paradise _by Within Temptation and her, if there was an album called _In__ the Raw _by her, if there was an Instagram account called _tarjaofficial. _A Twitter account, her own website. If Nightwish's last released album was called _Decades _and featured twenty-two songs of three different female vocalists.  
Tarja stared holes into the ceiling.  
Tuomas had visited her? No, he still visited her! The doctor had said so. It honoured her, made her heart jump, but still she rather wanted her false reality back, a reality where she and Tuomas only had held contact via mails, a reality where she had only dreamt about him.  
Tarja was lying there, staring at the ceiling and waiting. Waiting for her false reality to embrace her and bring her back to her erroneous life. Her better life.  
But it didn't happen.


	2. Chapter 2

Tarja covered her naked body. She knew that this woman next to her was a nurse, she had seen worse than her body, but Tarja was ashamed.  
"You don't have to cover up," nurse Hilda told her with a friendly voice. "I've been washing you for the last few years."  
"I know," Tarja mumbled. "But now I'm back and I'm ashamed."  
"Why ashamed, dear?" Hilda asked and turned on the water plug, making warm water fill the bathtub.  
"Because I ... I look like I haven't shaved myself in years," Tarja whispered, looking down at herself.  
"Do you want me to shave you?" Hilda offered and Tarja shook her head.  
"Just give me the razor."  
"I'm not allowed to."  
Tarja sighed. "I really only want to shave myself. I don't want to self harm. Give me the razor and watch me if you want to. But I don't want you to shave me."  
"I understand," Hilda said and went to her bag, pulling out a little device. Pressing a red button on it, she spoke, "Could someone bring a razor and shaving cream to room 77? Thank you."  
Tarja stepped into the bathtub, sat down and pulled her legs against her chest. Room 77. If that meant anything? She had to think of the music video of _Tears in Rain. _She had worn a shirt that had said "Black Leijona 77"; well, at least in her fantasy she had worn it. Of course "77" had meant her birth year ... until now she had thought so. But now she wasn't so sure anymore.  
Her heart ached every time she thought about that other life of hers. Naomi ... Oh, how she missed her sweet, little daughter. A daughter that wasn't real ...  
Tarja noticed that she was crying and placed her forehead on her knees. It hurt immensely.  
She didn't quite care anymore as Hilda gave her the shaving utensils, suddenly she just thought of cutting the sharp edge deep into her skin and ending the pain.  
The thought scared her.  
Wordlessly she started applying the cream and shaved those hairs off, aware that Hilda was watching every single move.  
She felt ashamed. She hated lack of hygiene and asked herself why no one had paid attention to her body hair.

_Looking at the mirror, asking questions with old, weary eyes._  
_Once a girl who had no name dressed as an angel in disguise._  
_From the corner of her bedroom light illuminates crawling shadows, cut out silhouettes with the darkness, a dancing marionette._

Tarja opened her eyes and realised she was back in the bedroom. Weird ...  
Hadn't she just been inside of a bathtub? She sat up and noticed that she wasn't wearing a straightjacket. Maybe Hilda had thought it wasn't necessary anymore. If she had only dreamt getting a bath?  
Absent mindedly she pulled up the legs of her white pants, revealing her smooth legs.  
"Okay," she whispered. "It really happened. And I drifted away again, obviously."  
Slowly she stood up and moved to the bathroom. It was just as white and cold as her room and there wasn't anything else but a bathtub, a toilet and a sink with a mirror shelf. She opened the shelf and spotted nothing besides a toothbrush and toothpaste. Not even a body lotion, no mascara, nothing. She went back to her room, looking around.  
A bed. A book shelf without books. And a lamp. How sad was this room? Everyone would get depressions here.  
Tarja went back on her bed, lying down. She was schizophrenic, they had said. She knew what it was but didn't think they were right. She didn't see nor hear anything weird, she just longed to go back to this wrong reality with Marcelo and Naomi.  
She didn't know how to reach it but she knew how to end it all.  
Sadly her nails were cut short, no way she could scratch herself. The book shelf was made of plastic. She looked around. The bed was made of metal but there were no nails that kept it together.  
Of course.  
They weren't stupid to make those mistakes in a mental home.  
Sighing she closed her eyes again and started singing.  
She sang Shadow Play.

Later that day Hilda came in, carrying a tray of food. "Dr. Jokinen wants to see you in an hour," she announced. "He will be happy to hear that you have only drifted away once, while I was washing you today."  
"What is it like when I drift away?" Tarja asked and took the tray, starting to eat the matched potatoes.  
"You're not here anymore," Hilda explained. "You hear me but you don't answer. Your face looks empty and your eyes are sad. You're in the other reality then."  
"I don't remember it," Tarja whispered. "Why don't I remember being there if I really drifted away today?"  
"Because we're making progress!" Hilda said happily. "Because we're about to heal you."  
Tarja ate in silence. She didn't want to be healed.

Hilda brought her to the doctor's room an hour later. Tarja looked around on their way to him, catching a few glimpses of faces she didn't know. Other patients. They looked sicker than her, some of them were screaming around, some of them were crying.  
"I don't belong here," Tarja said calmly as Hilda opened the door to Dr. Jokinen's room. "I'm totally fine. You can release me."  
"You're suicidal," the doctor greeted her with a sad smile. "We can't let you go. Hello, Tarja. I'm glad that you here again. Really here."  
"Hm," Tarja made and sat down on her couch.  
"Do you have any questions to me?"  
"I actually have," Tarja said and waited until Hilda was gone before speaking up. "You said I was schizophrenic. I don't notice it."  
"Interesting," Dr. Jokinen said and nodded. "Indeed you are. Or were, probably. Maybe we can try to slowly decrease your dosage."  
"Dosage?" Tarja whispered.  
"Well, of course you're getting treatment. Didn't you notice?"  
Tarja shook her head. She couldn't remember that Hilda had ever given her pills.  
"I'll decrease the dosage. Maybe you're healed." The doctor scribbled something down. "What else? I see you have questions."  
"Yes. I ... I wonder why I'm coming back now. After writing Shadow Play."  
"Something in that text triggered your memory," Dr. Jokinen explained. "Something you wrote made you realise that this wasn't your real life."  
"This place so wrong," Tarja mumbled. "It left me terrified to lose all I am living for ..."  
"Probably," the blonde man said and nodded. "How are you feeling today, by the way?"  
"I still think that I'm dreaming," Tarja replied. "I hope I am dreaming. But it feels real ..."  
She stroke over her scarred arms.  
They definitely felt real.  
"I'm really sorry," the young doctor told her and Tarja could hear that he really was sorry.  
"Not married to Marcelo ... damn. It really hurts." Tarja sighed. She actually was missing someone she didn't know well.  
"What about Tuomas, by the way?" Dr. Jokinen suddenly asked and Tarja's head shut up.  
"Tuomas? What should be about him?"  
"Well, I figured you two were together. After everything that Dr. Heikkila wrote here."  
"Together? Me and Tuomas? This is -" Tarja had wanted to say that it was absurd but suddenly she realised that it wasn't. She had also made up a new world in which she was married and had a child. And then those dreams with Tuomas ... all those dreams she had had over the years. Now she realised that those dreams had been reality.  
She felt sick all of a sudden. "What did Dr. Heikkila write?" she whispered and her opposite started looking for the right note.  
"Tuomas Holopainen is her boyfriend," he read. "At least he says so. He also says that Tarja never really considered herself as his girlfriend. He describes that they haven't been intimate so far and that they are only cuddling. Tarja apologises to him a lot for not being ready but Tuomas always tells her, _I __will__ wait __for_ _you__ forever, my love._ Of course Tuomas knows that she can't be intimate with him that easily after what has happened to her and he understands. Tuomas told me he would wait for her, even though if she needed twenty years to come back."  
"Wait," Tarja interrupted her doctor. She held her tummy. "Wait ..."  
"Are you alright?" Dr. Jokinen asked gently and looked at her.  
"No. Oh my god ... I'm not alright. I've had dreams of Tuomas ..."  
"Those dreams that were reality, I guess."  
Tarja nodded. "We were here. In my room. It was real but I thought I was dreaming. And we ... we did more than just cuddling."  
"Oh, hm." The doctor crossed his arms and looked at her.  
"Oh my god ... it all really happened, right? I've slept with him. While I wasn't fully there, while I thought I was dreaming. Oh my ..."  
"Maybe you needed that," Dr. Jokinen said. "Not being fully there. You're still traumatised from what happened to you that night."  
"I don't even remember it," Tarja said. "Three men who raped me one after another? No idea. But I do remember waking up after every sex dream I've had with Tuomas ... sweating and feeling guilty and scared that my husband would find out. And now I know that those weren't dreams."  
"The next time he'll visit you will be interesting," Dr. Jokinen said and Tarja's head shut up.  
"When will that be??"  
"I don't know. We've just informed your mother that you're back. She'll come here today evening."  
"Fuck." Tarja leaned back, feeling hot tears welling up inside her eyes. "I - for years I was sure she was dead. How should I talk to her?"  
"Do whatever you what to do," Dr. Jokinen suggested.  
"I want to cry," Tarja mumbled. "Tell her I've missed her. Tell her I'm sorry."  
"Do it. She understands. Dr. Heikkila talked to her a lot as well."  
Tarja said nothing. Sternly she looked at her arms.  
This was her reality, this. Not the other life, the better one.  
"When can I go home?" she asked quietly. A plan was forming inside her head. As long as she spent time here she couldn't end this hell.  
"We have to keep you as long as possible. Until you aren't suicidal anymore," her doctor told her and Tarja sighed.  
"Okay," she said and cracked her knuckles. Now she needed to make the doctor believe that she didn't want to kill herself anymore.  
She knew she needed Tuomas therefore. Spending time with him, pretending to be happy, maybe moving in with him. Then she could do it.  
Then she could finally do what she longed to do. And this time she wouldn't fail.

But first she had to survive the evening.  
As her mother entered, her heart almost stopped beating.  
Marjatta Turunen had turned old.  
"Mummy?" Tarja whispered and rose from her bed.  
"Oh, Tari," her mother said quietly and closed the distance between herself and her daughter. Her hug was so tight, Tarja almost stopped breathing. "You're back, my baby is back."  
Tarja wrapped her arms around her mother and closed her eyes. "Mummy ... I'm so sorry. I'm so, so sorry ..."  
"What for?" her mother asked gently and pulled back.  
"I thought you were dead. I knew you were dead, I sang at your funeral."  
"Dr. Heikkila told me," Marjatta said and caressed her daughter's cheek. "It was real for you, that other reality. Of course it hurt hearing that I was dead for you but now you know I'm not."  
Tarja nodded. "I've missed you so much. And then, after years it got better. And now it turns out you're alive ..." Tarja laughed gently and Marjatta smiled at her.  
"I can't believe my daughter is back. You're smiling and laughing. Your father and brothers will be so happy. And Tuomas, he won't believe it!"  
Tarja's smile vanished. "I was married in that world," she said. "To another man. And we had a kid."  
"I know. And Tuomas knows too." Marjatta cupped her daughter's face. "He doesn't care, he loves you. Oh, how beautiful you are ... I love to see that you're paying attention to your looks again."  
Tarja sighed. "Could you bring me some make up next time you're here?"  
"Sure!" Marjatta said. "Anything else?"  
"A razor," Tarja tried but her mother shook her head.  
"I was the one to find you in the bathroom fourteen years ago. The first time it was Tuomas and the second time it was me. I will not allow you to get close to anything sharp."  
"Okay," Tarja said. She would do the same if it was about Naomi.  
Her heart stung with pain as she remembered that Naomi didn't exist.  
Her beautiful girl, the only thing that had made her happy during those last years ...  
She had only been chasing rainbows.


	3. Chapter 3

Tarja's nails got cut every second day. Of course she knew why, it wasn't hard to self harm with long nails, but still she was annoyed. She liked to have long and beautiful nails.  
Thank god her mother had visited the day right after her first visit, bringing various kind of make up, nail polish, shower gel, a hair conditioner ... and depilatory cream.  
"Oh. Thanks." Tarja said and forced herself to smile at her mother.  
"No need, sweetie. Do you need anything else?"  
"Yes ... a phone."  
"I'm not allowed to -," Marjatta started but Tarja cut her off.  
"Books. Loads of books. I'm so bored."  
The next day she had brought her daughter books and current rock magazines.   
"I figured you want to be up to date."  
Tarja had started reading the magazines right away and hadn't found a single word about Nightwish. Strange ...  
Had she really only fantasized everything? Also that Floor Jansen was their singer now?  
She asked her mother the next day and indeed, Marjatta answered with sad eyes,  
"Yes, honey. Nightwish quit along with your dismissal."  
"No," Tarja whispered, tears forming in her eyes. "I destroyed Tuomas' life?"  
"Not at all, sweetheart. He fulfilled his other dream in 2007."  
"Which dream? Studying Biology?"  
"Yes," Marjatta answered. "He studied Biology and now he's a forensic scientist."  
"He's what?" Tarja's mouth went open. "A forensic - oh my god. Never would have thought that." She smiled lightly. "So he works with dead people."  
"Yes," Marjatta said and grimaced a bit. "He says he likes it but he still writes songs ... so ..."  
"Why haven't they looked for a new singer?" Tarja asked in disbelief.  
Her mother sighed.  
"He doesn't want a new singer, dear. He only wants you. He never gave up on you."  
Tarja stared at her arms again. She always did if she didn't know what to say. He had never given her up. Well, he would have to.  
"I haven't called him yet, by the way," Marjatta said after a while. "I thought of telling him but he should see for himself. Are you okay with that?"  
"That he visits me, thinking I'm still insane and then see that I'm not?" Tarja asked and shrugged. "Sure, why not."  
"You weren't insane," Marjatta said and took her daughter's hand. Caressed her scars. "Something awful has happened to you and it left scars thicker and uglier than those. You just saved yourself by escaping your life."  
Tarja nodded slowly. "Mum ..." she said quietly and let her head sink. "I don't ... I don't remember anything of that night. The one that changed everything."  
"Be glad," Marjatta whispered and squeezed her daughter's hand. "Tuomas still hasn't recovered from finding you in the bathroom nineteen years ago. And I understand why he hasn't because neither have I, darling. Both he and I still dream of it, finding you on the floor, bleeding ..." Marjatta closed her eyes. "The shock must have taken your memory. Be glad about it."  
"I need a phone, mum!" Tarja suddenly said. "Or a laptop! I need internet! I need to find out what has happened during the last years, I need to -" Tarja inhaled sharply and then whispered, "I need to find out what all the people I've been fantasizing of have been doing during those years. Floor, does she really have a daughter? Sharon, is she still married to Robert, did they bring out a new album in the beginning of this year? And Marcelo ... is he still married? My other life was so complex and filled with side stories. Marcelo left his wife because of me, Tuomas married Johanna Kurkela and Floor and Sabaton's drummer who's nine years younger than her, had a baby. I had various cameos with Within Temptation, Doro, ... I had a huge fan base and fan pages, I had fan clubs in so many countries! People wrote stories about me. I fantasised about everything and this is just not easy to believe. I remember so many details, the face of my biggest fan from Germany, my most crazy Brazilian fan, I remember their looks and names, mum! I need to find out if they exist, I need to -"  
Her mother cut her off by hugging her tightly. "You can't, I'm sorry," she whispered. "Not yet. But you're making progress and as long as you don't talk too much about your false life, you'll be allowed to leave. After they let you go, you can know about everything you need to know. Just stop talking about it to your doctor and nurse and they will see that you're feeling better. The sooner they decide that you're healthy, the sooner they'll let you go. Do you understand me?"  
Tarja nodded. "I have to pretend ..."  
"You've been here for fourteen years but enough is enough. I want you to return home, no matter if you're healed or not. We all miss you and we will be able to help you ... as long as you don't try to commit suicide again."  
Tarja smiled sadly.  
"I promise that I won't."

The rest of the day they spent talking about what happened during the last years. Marjatta put the glittering nail polish on Tarja's short nails, while her daughter told her about everything that had happened in her fantasies.  
About Marcelo, her band, the music they had been making ... and Naomi. Especially Naomi.  
"You would have loved her," Tarja said and smiled sadly, tears dripping out of her eyes.

_Can you feel the pain drip, drip down like rain?_

Tuomas couldn't go on anymore. After a hard and long day he returned home, kissing the picture of Tarja on his nightstand as every evening. And every morning. It hurt equally.  
For fourteen long years he had only had the pleasure to love her for a few times, those rare times she had been there. But also then she hadn't been fully _here._  
_"I __know_ _it's__ just a dream,"_ she had whispered into his ear so many times. _"__I'm__ glad __it's__ just a dream. I would never cheat on my husband. Oh, if he knew that __I'm_ _having__ a sex dream of __Tuomas__ Holopainen ... if he just knew."_  
Tuomas looked into the mirror, seeing the horrible reflection of an old man with long hair and tired blue eyes. The gray strands got more and more visible with every day that went by and the dark bags under his eyes only grew bigger.  
He hadn't visited Tarja in two months. He just couldn't go on anymore.  
The last time he had been with her, she had been completely gone, in another world, not reacting to touches or words. She had just sat on her bed and stared. She hadn't eaten nor slept in days, she had only stared at the wall of her room and the doctor had to give her infusions. Tuomas had hugged her. Kissed her. Talked to her. But nothing, she hadn't even moved. He was sure that she hadn't even heard him.  
And before he had left the hospital, nurse Hilda had told her that they didn't have any more hope. Tarja wouldn't come back.  
"Do you want to say goodbye?" Hilda had asked but Tuomas had shaken his head.  
"I won't stop visiting her, only because she won't come back. She's the love of my life."  
With tears in his eyes he took the picture from his nightstand. It showed Tarja in 2003, on one of her better days. On the picture she looked happy but those who knew her, knew that this was just a façade.  
"My love," he whispered and caressed the girl's rosy cheeks.  
A month ago they had celebrated her 42nd birthday, Tuomas, the former band and Tarja's family.  
They met every year, ate cake and talked about Tarja. They weren't allowed to visit her with so many people, so only her parents and Tuomas would visit her that day. But last month Tuomas had stayed with the band, he couldn't bear to see Tarja apathetic like that again.  
While Marjatta and Teuvo had been with their daughter, Tuomas had told the guys about what nurse Hilda had told him. That Tarja wouldn't come back.  
His eyes were drawn to the picture, her flawless skin, her beautiful eyes. Her cute, little nose. She had been so beautiful ...  
Now she was just a sad reflection of her own, a thin and pale ghost who didn't really live anymore. Only her body was there.  
Her hair had been so soft and wavy, now it was dull and dry.  
Her eyes were empty now.  
He still loved her, no matter what. He always would.  
"Tarja," he mumbled and caressed her lips. Once soft, now broken.  
How many songs he had written for her, so many songs no one would ever sing. Sad, depressed, dark and lonely songs.  
He sat down on his bed, put the picture back on the nightstand and buried his face in his hands.

The next day he called in sick and drove to the hospital. He loved her, no matter what, so why didn't he spend every day with her? He felt bad that he hadn't visited her in two months, the love of his life, his one and only, his princess. He couldn't wait to see her again, feel her sensitive skin under his fingertips. He didn't care that she was apathetic and in another world, not able to hear him; he knew that deep inside she needed him. And especially he needed her. Just looking at her wonderful face made him feel better, even if she didn't look at him nor talk to him.  
He arrived a the hospital, gripping the bouquet of flowers. He always brought her flowers, he knew how miserable her room looked. If she woke up while he was gone, he wanted her to see the colourful flowers and be at least a little happy.   
He greeted the receptionist and asked for an appointment with Tarja Turunen.  
"Sure!" the young woman said and checked the timetable of the Finnish singer. "She's currently with Dr. Jokinen but their consultation should be over in around ten minutes. You can wait here until then."  
Tuomas grimaced lightly. He knew how those consultation hours looked like - Tarja was just sitting there and staring, while Dr. Jokinen tried to talk to her, telling her things to bring her back.  
He didn't believe he would succeed but liked the fact that the doctor didn't give up on her.  
Like in a trance he went to the waiting room and let himself fall on a seat far away to the entrance, he didn't like it if people came in and immediately saw him. No one out there knew in which hospital the former singer of Nightwish was, the only thing they knew was that she had had a mental breakdown and was now locked away. Of course journalists had tried to talk to her (and to Tuomas about Tarja) first but soon they had given up hope. And now basically no one even remembered the band.  
Probably no one would recognise him anyway, but he still lived in shadows, hoping that no one would even see him.  
He stared at the clock, counting every second.  
Ten minutes can last an eternity if you wait for them to pass by and this was no other case.  
But finally those ten minutes were over and Tuomas took the stairway to the first floor, where Tarja's room was.  
Room 77.  
He reached it and carefully knocked, but no one answered.  
Maybe she was still with the doctor? Tuomas decided to wait inside and opened the door.  
And froze.  
No. This wasn't Tarja's room. It couldn't be, there were dozens of books in the bookshelf, there was a teddy bear on the bed, an open magazine on the nightstand.  
He checked the number on the door again - 77.  
He felt a wave of panic building up - they had brought Tarja away! Or maybe she had died! And no one had told him!  
He was shaking in anger, eager to scream at nurse Hilda right now!  
But then a soft voice made calm down immediately.  
"Tuomas ..."  
He turned around and stared at the soft and beautiful face. The gentle smile that formed as he looked at her, the beautiful, rosy lips. Those long, black lashes, that fair and soft skin and the long, soft and black hair.  
Tarja was looking at him and she was gorgeous. She was wearing make up, her eyes looked lively.   
Tuomas almost dropped the flowers.  
With his mouth wide open he just looked at her. Was he the one fantasizing now?


	4. Chapter 4

The wonderful mirage smiled at him and took his hand.  
She felt real. Maybe she wasn't a mirage?  
"Come in," she said, "we have a lot to talk about."  
Tuomas was flashed. She was here and he wasn't dreaming. She led him to the bed and pulled him down. She sat down next to him.  
Her eyes were of a shining green, they shone even more than he remembered from years ago. Was she healed? Slowly he lifted his hands to her face, placing his fingertips on her cheeks.  
"You're so beautiful," he whispered and started caressing her elvenlike skin. "You're so wonderful and you ... you look so young." Tarja smiled and Tuomas traced her lips with his index finger. "You can't even imagine how much I've missed that smile. My beauty ..."  
And then he leant in, trying to touch her lips with his.  
But Tarja turned her head.  
"I've just come back from another reality," she said. "Could you please give me a little time?"  
"Sure, I'm sorry," Tuomas apologised and took her hand instead. "When did you even come back?"  
"About two weeks ago," Tarja replied and Tuomas' eyes went wide.  
"What? Nurse Hilda was supposed to inform me as soon as you would wake up! Does your mother know yet?"  
"Calm down. My mum knows."  
"Then why didn't she -," Tuomas started but Tarja interrupted him.  
"I asked them to. I needed time to think about everything And I am still not done thinking. First I was married and had a baby girl, then I suddenly have nothing."  
"You have me," Tuomas said gently. "Your boyfriend. And your mother, who's still alive in real life."  
"And that's wonderful," Tarja whispered. "Also that you and I ... that we're good. We haven't even talked over there ... uhm ... in my other reality."  
"I know," Tuomas mumbled. "You told me. Whenever I was with you while you were awake, you thought you were dreaming."  
Tarja nodded. "Everything's so hard for me. I mean I was married and suddenly I wake up ... and I'm not married. I don't have a child anymore. No own career I've brought that far. It hurts."  
Tuomas suddenly looked as if something would bother him, he opened his mouth to speak but then he decided not to.  
He couldn't tell her, not yet. She wasn't ready yet.  
"I mean my mum is still alive and that's wonderful," Tarja went on. "But it feels like I've exchanged her with two other souls I have loved. No - more than two. My whole band! They were amazing, my guitarist, my bassist and my cellist and my drummer ..." Tarja looked at him with big eyes. "Tuomas, I _need _to know. If they are real, if Marcelo is still married ..."  
"As far as I know, he is," said Tuomas and took his girlfriend's hand. She looked crushed. "But I also know that he liked you," he continued, "during the Wishmaster tour. He and I actually came along pretty well, not like in your false reality, and he told me he would ask you out. And that, if you liked him back, he'd leave his wife. But then this ... thing happened and he never dared to ask you."  
"You ... you mean everything could have been real?" Tarja felt tears well up inside her eyes.  
"The marriage with Marcelo at least," Tuomas said. "About the other things ... I don't know. I would never kick you out of a band because you were married to another man. I've always wanted you to be happy, especially after that night."  
Tarja nodded slowly. Now her heart ached even more, knowing that at least one of her fantasies could have been real. Marcelo had really liked her, it hadn't been a fantasy.  
"Too much?" Tuomas asked carefully but Tarja shook his head.  
"Tell me more. About what happened after. I remember things but I remember them the wrong way."  
"Well ... you always talked about suicide," Tuomas sighed. "We never kept you alone then. Emppu, your parents, me, your brothers, you were never alone. You were annoyed and at night you tried to escape every now and then. I spent the nights with you." Tuomas couldn't help but smile. "In the morning I could always look for you, thanks for that."  
"Sorry," Tarja said gently.  
"I found you in your car or in the garden or by the lake ... you tried to freeze to death. You told me you wanted a painful death. It scared the shit out of me, so I finally took you to a doctor. Therapy would have been better, I guess. He prescribed you antidepressants and those made you hallucinate."  
"Seriously?" Tarja asked in shock.  
Tuomas nodded. "We didn't know what it was from, so you didn't quit taking them and it continued. One day we got an information from the doctor, the pills hadn't been tested enough and had loads of side effects like hair loss, bad dreams, weight loss and the worst - hallucinations."  
"Great," Tarja mumbled.  
"You quit taking them but it didn't stop. You've taken them for three, almost four years."  
"So ... that's why I made myself a fantasy world? And now that the hallucinations stopped, my fantasy world also stopped existing?" Tarja asked quietly. It sounded like a movie.  
"That's my theory," Tuomas said. "Haven't you spoken to Dr. Jokinen about that?"  
"He's new and not really competent," Tarja said. "I feel like my first doctor would have known about everything. But she's dead."  
Tuomas nodded. "Dr. Heikkila was wonderful."  
Tarja sighed again. "Woah ... so imagine what could have been if I hadn't swallowed those pills."  
"Lets not look into the past, let's look into he future," Tuomas said and took the singer's hand again.  
"I can't wait to take you back into the band. And the guys, damn, they'll be thrilled!"  
"I guess they will be," Tarja mumbled and stared at her scars. Again. "But ... I don't think I can still sing. I haven't ... I haven't sung in years, have I?"  
"Hm," Tuomas made. "I don't think so. But you're a natural, I'm sure your voice is just as angelic as it was years ago."  
"But what if ... what if I don't want to sing anymore?" Tarja whispered and Tuomas stared at her.  
"What?"  
"Well, I know singing is my life. _Was_, I guess. Now I'm someone else, or at least I feel like someone else. I don't think I can be on stage and perform again."  
"Tarja - you still have fans!"  
Tarja shook her head. Didn't he understand why she couldn't? "I had so many fans in my other reality too. I know myself, I would look for familiar faces in the crowd wherever we would go and be heartbroken to realise that those wonderful people don't even exist! I can't, Tuo. Don't force me to sing in a band again."  
"Of course I won't _force _you," Tuomas said much calmer. "I'm asking you to. Nightwish hasn't played a single concert since you came here, so it would be a first time for us as well. But you could just try to sing my new songs and then decide of you want to perform again? And of course I would like to hear some of your songs too, I know you've been writing."  
Tarja nodded. This life still felt so wrong. It felt like there was a second Tarja inside of her, the real one, who had been living their real life over those past years. And now there was she, a clone, an alien, who was forced to live a wrong reality, a horrible one.

_Alone, imprisoned by the echoes of the empty hall she made a deal with the enemy and let her fences fall._  
_From the dust she built a door to frame new memories ..._

Tarja immediately noticed that she had drifted away, since Tuomas was gone after she opened her eyes. And she couldn't recall that he had left.  
What had the real Tarja in the real (for the doctors false) reality done in the meantime? Maybe she had given a concert or a signing session. Had she spent time with Naomi?  
Tarja looked around. It was quiet on the halls outside, usually she could hear voices of patients and nurses shouting around.  
But it was quiet. Was it night? Tarja hated the fact that she didn't have a window.  
She got out of her bed and quietly opened the door. Her heart was beating fast as she noticed that it wasn't locked ... or didn't they lock her door in general?  
Quietly she slipped outside and closed the door.  
Her heart was racing.  
She was sure there were nurses wandering around, checking the rooms from time to time.  
What was she even about to do? Walk into the kitchen and stab herself?  
Just flee out of this nuthouse?  
No, that was a stupid plan. The first one was better.  
But then it hit her - there was so much about her past she didn't know yet. Dr. Heikkila was dead and Dr. Jokinen didn't want to tell her everything. She knew he was keeping a secret, and Tuomas was keeping one too.  
On tiptoes she snuck to the doctor's office - which was locked, of course.  
"Fuck," she mumbled and wanted to walk back, until there was another crazy thought that randomly formed inside of her head.  
_The wardrobe of the __doctors__!!_  
There had to be a wardrobe, right? And if, where was it? She was on the first floor, that she knew. Maybe downstairs? Probably.  
Again she could feel her heartbeat pulsate inside her ears as she scurried down the stairway in a quick move, the white hospital gear floating around her calves.  
Downstairs there was a receptionist.  
Of course.  
And then, there was a door across the room that said "Staff only". That had to be it!  
Tarja was about to turn around again, she couldn't pass the receptionist without her noticing, as the telephone rang. The receptionist turned around and picked up.  
She was now turning her back towards Tarja, who used her unbelievable luck to walk by fast but quiet.  
The clock over the waiting room showed midnight. Who was calling here at midnight?  
"Ah, Mr. Holopainen!" the receptionist said and Tarja's blood froze. Of course Tuomas called at midnight. She was almost at the door and didn't give up, one last jump and she pressed herself against the door, praying, that it wasn't locked.  
And it wasn't.  
Tarja exhaled quietly and slipped inside. She didn't close the door immediately, first she needed to hear what the receptionist told Tuomas but sadly she could only hear a few words. All in all she was sure that the woman was telling him that Tarja had woken up and was alright.  
She closed the door and switched the lights on.  
And felt like screaming in joy, she had really found the dressing room! And the lockers! And all of them had names written on the door, wow, that breally came in handy.  
But then the luck left Tarja.  
Of course those lockers were locked. And the key, well, they would be with the nurses and doctors.  
"Fuck," the dark haired singer muttered and decided to have a look around nonetheless. Maybe she found something else that was interesting?  
But half an hour later she gave up. Nothing like a skeleton key that could open every lock, nothing like explosive substances, with which she could blow up Dr. Jokinen's locker door.  
With hanging shoulders she went out of the dressing room again. Without caring about the receptionist she went back to the stairway. And of course she got noticed.  
"Miss Turunen! What are you doing here?!"  
And a few seconds later only she was circled by nurse Hilda and some more nurses. While asking a thousand questions, they escorted her back to her room.  
"I wanted to take a walk outside," she mumbled as an answer to the questions. "But it was dark. I came back because I wanted to see some sun. But it's night. Why is it night, where's Tuomas?"  
"He left hours ago, sweetie," nurse Hilda said gently and pulled the blanket over Tarja's shaking body. She hadn't realised how cold she felt until now. "But if he comes back tomorrow, you may take a walk outside. Okay?"  
Tarja nodded. "Okay. Sorry."  
"Its okay," Hilda said softly. "How could you know that you were gone for so long?"  
Tarja closed her eyes.


	5. Chapter 5

"What is the last thing you remember, Tarja?"  
Tarja's eyes were glassy and she only saw the doctor through a veil of tears.  
"I don't know," she whispered. Of course he wanted to know what the last thing she remembered from her fantasized life was. She gathered all her memories, trying to at least tell him something. "Maybe ... writing the new album ... _In the Raw_. I wrote it and produced it and -" she fell silent. She had written the album in January but now it was already October. Had nothing happened during those months?  
Dr. Jokinen seemed to think something similar, as he leaned forward. "What did you do between writing the album and publishing it?"  
"I gave many concerts," Tarja said slowly, "performed at festivals, went on holiday ..."  
"Did anything trigger your memory?" the doctor asked patiently. "You only woke up last month and you said you wrote _Shadow Play_ in the beginning of the year already. And during the last appointments you always thought it was _Shadow Play_ which brought you back."  
Tarja nodded. "I still think so. Yes, I wrote it in January and also recorded it and all but ... but last month I read the lyrics again carefully. Soon after I published the album, many people asked me what the text meant. It was like my ... fantasy fans wanted me to go back." Tarja stared at her hands. "That's why I read the lyrics again, word for word. I paid attention to the meaning and realised that I wasn't happy. I realised that something was missing ... and suddenly everything went blurry. And then I was here."  
"You are going back every now and then," Dr. Jokinen said. "You still drift away. And you really don't realise?"  
"No," Tarja whispered. "As much as I want to, I can't remember what happens when I'm gone."  
"That's a good sign, you know that?" Dr. Jokinen said and Tarja shrugged.  
"If you say so."  
"No, really. That's a wonderful sign." The doctor stood up and Tarja followed him with her eyes as he walked up and down the room. "See, if you -"  
And suddenly Tarja couldn't listen anymore.  
Her eyes fell on a tiny, silver key on the doctor's couch. It looked exactly like the key for a locker.  
_He sat on it. It must have fallen out of his coat pocket._  
Tarja's mouth went dry. Which human didn't put his locker key on a key chain?  
Well, good for her.  
"Could I have a glass of water?" she interrupted the doctor's speech hoarsely.  
"Sure, go ahead," Dr. Jokinen said and pointed at another door in the corner of the room. "There's the bathroom."  
"I feel a little dizzy," Tarja whispered. "Could you ...?"  
"Oh, sure," the young man replied and walked to the door, revealing a small room that contained a toilet and a sink. "Do you need a tablet?"  
"No, it's fine," Tarja said and stood up quietly. As soon as the water was rushing, she moved forward, grabbed the key and stuffed it under her hospital gown, into her bra. Sadly the gown had no pockets.  
Her heart was beating as the doctor returned with the glass full of water. He gave it to her and then sat back on his couch.  
He hadn't realised.  
Tarja couldn't believe her luck.  
"Should we go on?" the doctor asked, "or do you want to go back to your room?"  
"I think I should sleep a bit," Tarja agreed. Her heart was still racing. What if he noticed his missing key on their way back to her room.

But Tarja was lucky. He called Hilda, who led her back. And Hilda was very caring, even asked if she should call Tuomas or her mother.  
"It's fine, thank you," Tarja replied. "I don't know where it came from but maybe I just have a stomach flu."  
Hilda brought her antiemetics, in case she felt too sick to eat, and let her rest.  
And Tarja started waiting.  
After felt hours she checked the outside of her room but there was another caretaker talking to a patient. She had no idea how late it was because she had no clock and so she waited. And waited and waited.  
More time passed and finally the corridors fell silent. She went outside again quietly and walked to the stairway. Just as easy as last time she walked downstairs and peeked around the corner. This time there was another woman at the reception, thank god. If she caught her again, they would start to suspect things.  
Eager not to get caught she ducked down and crawled across the receptionist, who was reading a magazine.  
The clock over her showed half past eleven.  
Again Tarja thought of just running away while she was sneaking to the dressing room but the curiousness almost killed her. She needed to know everything about her past.  
Quietly she went into the dressing room and straight to the doctor's locker, pushing the tiny key inside.  
_It fit!_  
Tarja sighed in relief and opened the locker. And really, Dr. Jokinen's coat was hanging inside. She wondered if the doctor had a second key and reached into the left coat pocket.  
Nothing.  
With a beating heart she reached into the right pocket, pulling out a key chain.  
_Bingo!_  
Tarja took the whole thing and snuck back, which was also easier than expected. The receptionist seemed to be really busy with her magazine.  
On the second floor, where the doctor's offices were, she realised that maybe she hadn't even come to the harder part yet. There were watchmen walking around the corridor.  
Why here? Why not on the first floor? There were no patients on the second floor.  
Quietly she walked down again. Should she wait? Should she give up?  
No! She needed to know _now._  
And she decided to just try something. If it went wrong, they'd simply bring her back to her room. She put the key chain into her bra, went to the elevator and pressed the button to make it come up from the ground floor. The elevator opened with a _bing_, she took a deep breath and screamed from the top of her lungs.  
"_HEEEEEEEEEEEEELP!_"  
Quickly she jumped into the elevator and pressed the button that said "2".  
"Please, please, please," she prayed as the elevator stopped after only a second of driving up. The door opened again and Tarja stuck her head out of it. It was loud on the floor beneath her but it was quiet on this floor. No watchman anywhere. They all had run down as Tarja had screamed.  
She sprinted to the doctor's office, unlocked, snuck inside and closed the door.  
What now? It was dark and if she switched the lights on, someone would see it through the door slit.  
Tarja sighed. She was too impulsive, doing things before she even had a plan. Nonetheless, the watchmen were still down anyway, she switched the lights on and walked over to the drawer that contained the patient files.  
She opened the first one.  
"A to M," she mumbled and closed it again, opening the second drawer. "N to Z. Perfect. Now where is T ... T ..." With shaking hands she pulled out the file that said "Turunen, Tarja Soile Susanna".  
"Of course my fantasy me didn't invent that stupid name," she mumbled and grinned. "Thanks, mum."  
Then she looked around, she knew that the office had another small room with a toilet.  
Like in trance she went to the second door, opening it. She switched on the light, went back to big lights and shut them off.  
Quite satisfied she walked to the bathroom, shut the door, sat down on the floor and opened her file.

Tarja sat there for hours. Dr. Heikkila had written so much about her life, for example what had happened before they had brought her here, way before. The night she had been kidnapped and raped. Tarja had started to cry while she had read it. Concerning to her files she had denied that it had happened. Denied it and denied it more and denied it again, until she had broken together, crying that she just wanted to forget it. With a pain in her heart she read about what the doctor had written about Tuomas, that he had really suffered. First Tarja had tried to kill herself and he had found her, then they had started a relationship but she hadn't stopped talking about ending this life. He had tried everything to make her happy but hadn't succeeded. Yet he hadn't left her because he loved her so ...  
Tarja wiped her tears away. "Oh, Tuomas," she whispered as she read about how often he had been at the hospital, waiting for her to get back from delirium, just to hear her talking about Marcelo when she did. And how he went to Dr. Heikkila one day, telling her that Tarja had slept with him. For the first time ever, for the first time in _years. _Tarja was surprised. She had already heard that they hadn't had sex in years but this was insane. Tarja read the date again. It was the beginning of November 2011. _2011!_  
If Tarja and Tuomas had become a couple in around 2001 ... they hadn't slept with each other in almost ten years.  
"That can't be," Tarja mumbled and shook her head, reading on. She needed to talk to Tuomas about everything.  
But then she read something that disturbed her to no end.  
_9th December 2011, _Tarja read the entry.

_"You won't __believe_ _it__," Tarja tells me. She is smiling and __I__ hope that she maybe found a way to get out of her fantasy world. But __what__ she tells me surprises me even __more__._  
_"__I'm_ _pregnant__."_  
_Of course __I_ _don't__ believe her, __why__ should __I__? Like she has told me. __But__ still __I__ ask questions. __Marcelo__ is the __father__, of course. Marcelo, her husband. I pretend as if __I__ would __believe__ her and congratulate her._

With shaking hands she let the album sink. "Fuck," she mumbled. She had seriously thought that her fantasy pregnancy was real. Tarja skipped the next few entries, which were rather boring. And suddenly she stopped. There were pictures inside.  
Pictures of a pregnant belly. _Her _pregnant belly.

_Tarja is in the 28th week of pregnancy now and _ _she's_ _ doing wonderful. Tuomas _ _can't_ _ wait to bring back their little one ..._

"No!" Tarja shouted and shut the files. No, no, no!"  
She was breathing quickly, her heart was racing. She had been pregnant in real life. And that was the reason why she had invented Naomi ... because she had been pregnant. And the father of the child was Tuomas.  
With a bad feeling she skipped the entry until July 27th ... Naomi's birthday.

_Tarja's_ _ daughter comes a month early but _ _she's_ _ healthy._

Tarja shook her head. There were also pictures. Pictures of a new born that was held by herself ... But what had happened to her? Tarja stroke the picture. "I have a daughter," she whispered. "Naomi ..."

_Tarja wants to call her Naomi, _Dr. Heikkila wrote, _but __Tuomas__ tells her that __they __can't__ keep her. They have to __give__ her away because __Tuomas__ is __working__ and Tarja is at the mental hospital. Strangely, Tarja agrees._

_"_What? No!" Tarja shook her head. "No, I could never ... Oh my god ..." She went to the next entry. And to the next. And to the next.  
Here!

_September 17th 2012,_  
_Tuomas picked up Naomi yesterday. Tarja __wasn't__ even there to say goodbye to her. This morning she came back from her other world, right __now_ _she__ is sitting here with me and telling me that she __doesn't__ get any sleep anymore. Naomi is so loud at night. The Naomi in her dreams. The real __Naomi__? She __can't__ remember having her. She says her daughter is in __Argentina__, with her husband __Marcelo__. Tuomas? Why __would__ she have a child with __Tuomas__? That way __I_ _can't__ even tell her __about__ the nice __couple__ who adopted __Naomi__. Seems like she __doesn't__ even remember her real daughter. Or maybe __she_ _just_ _never__ wanted a kid._

Tarja closed the files.  
She was shaking and crying. She had a daughter. A real daughter.  
And she had allowed them to take her away.


	6. Chapter 6

* * *

Tarja's heart was beating so fast, she could feel it inside her head.  
Tuomas was with her, he had decided to visit her the day after. With one good reason:  
After finding out about her daughter, Tarja had left the doctor's office and walked down to the receptionist, where she had kindly asked her to call Tuomas.  
Tuomas had been asleep already, thus the receptionist had called Hilda. And Tarja, who had started to trust Hilda, had told her that she had taken Dr. Jokinen's keys. That she had needed to find out about her past. And that she now knew about her daughter.  
Hilda had been sad and disappointed but she hadn't scolded Tarja for stealing the keys and breaking in, though Tarja knew that now they would pay even more attention to her, maybe lock her during the night.  
Tarja didn't care. She didn't care about anything anymore, all she knew now was, that she had a real daughter. A real Naomi. She wasn't hers and Marcelo's but she was hers and Tuomas' kid. If even, after all they had given her away.  
_Tuomas _had given her away.  
Tarja stared at the man opposite of her, not sure about how to start the conversation. Instead she looked at him and realised that he already had a few white strands in his hair. Crinkles, too. His eyes looked tired and overall he just looked ... old.  
"Was it a lot of work?" Tarja whispered and Tuomas looked at her.  
"What do you mean?"  
"Caring about me. For all those years."  
"Well ... yes," Tuomas said and smiled lightly. "But it's okay, I wanted to do it. I love you, that's why."  
"I get you," Tarja inhaled and shook her head. "But I was completely gone. How were you able to cope, soon after it got worse? I mean, wasn't I overstraining you?"  
"I love you," Tuomas said again, this time a bit slower. "I want to be with you forever, and back then I loved you as well. How could I have thought you were an overstrain?"  
Tarja didn't answer for a while. She knew she needed to speak about their daughter. But she had no idea how Tuomas would react.  
"Do you think I am about to feel better?" she asked instead and Tuomas smiled at her so gently, it made her heart beat faster.  
"Yes, definitely," he replied and Tarja nodded.  
"Then," she started slowly, "What about ... our baby?"  
Tuomas' lips went down, turning the smile into a light frown. "I would love to have a baby with you," he said, obviously not wanting to understand what she had really asked him.  
And Tarja shook her head. Her heart was pounding hard against her ribcage.  
"No, I mean the baby we had before I woke up. Why couldn't you imagine to raise our baby alone?"  
Now Tuomas' smile completely faded as he finally understood. "That would have been too exhausting indeed," he said quietly.  
"Aha," Tarja said quietly. "Is that the reason you gave her away?"  
Tuomas looked at her. He only looked at her.  
"Tuo, please," Tarja whispered and closed her eyes. "Please. There's something in my life that was taken from me and I need to know -"  
"Yes," Tuomas said. "That is the reason why I gave her away. I tried to raise her together with your mother for a while but you didn't seem to remember her anyway. And - and she wouldn't stop crying all night and I realised that I couldn't be a single dad. Listen, I needed you so bad, and at the beginning I didn't even care that you were at the hospital. I thought I could raise her and one day you'd return and we'd be a family ... But then everytime I brought her here, you weren't there. You were at the other reality with the other Naomi and if you were here, you didn't recognise her. There was one day you were awake and ... I showed her to you. You just looked at her and then you looked at me. And you said, _Congratulations, Tuomas. You __and_ _Johanna__ will be great parents. _That was when I decided to give her away. I am so, so sorry."  
Tarja's eyes were full of tears. "I didn't know. Really. The other Naomi felt so real ..."  
"I know," Tuomas said gently and took his girlfriend's hands into his. "Don't worry. Our Naomi is at a good place. With a good family. She has an older brother."  
Tarja smiled lightly. "Do you think I could see her?"  
"I'm sure," Tuomas said. "I'll make sure you will."  
"Thank you," Tarja whispered.

Tarja was moving around in her bed. Too present was what had happened that day, so she simply couldn't sleep.  
For a while she tried to, but then she just gave up. She grabbed one of the magazines her mother had brought and flipped through it, soon closing it again. It was a newer edition and that was frustrating, since Tarja didn't know half of the celebrities that the magazine was informing her about. Nothing about Nightwish, never. No word about Tuomas. Nothing about Emppu, even though he had founded a new band, according to her mother. She read some things about the band of her Dutch friend Floor - her more or less friend. She hadn't seen Floor in years, of course.  
While reading the interview between _Soundi_ and Floor, Tarja found out that Floor had a daughter and her heart ached again. She had to put the magazine away and fight with her tears.  
"Freja," she whispered. "What a beautiful name, Floor. You'll be a great mother for sure."  
She continued. There was a short information about an upcoming concert called _Raskasta __Joulua_ and Tarja found out that Marco was performing. Together with Tony Kakko and many other singers she remembered. And some new singers, she had never heard about before.  
Her fingers were tickling as she imagined standing on stage again. With so many other singers.  
Suddenly Tarja knew that she wanted to sing again, no matter what and where.  
Here. Now.  
Tarja opened her mouth and tried to sing but all that came out was a croak, a rasping sound of nothing.  
She had unlearned to sing.

As Tuomas visited her again the next day, she was lying on her bed and staring at the ceiling. She didn't move a finger as he sat down next to her.  
"Hi," he said and took her hand. "I've contacted Naomi's family and they agreed on a meeting."  
"Great," Tarja answered, not sounding excited at all.  
"The thing is, though, that they changed her name after they adopted her. It's not Naomi anymore, it's _Noemi_ now."  
"What?" Now Tarja sat up. "Noemi? What on earth -"  
"The family is Christian," Tuomas interrupted. "They have three children, all of them adopted. And every child has a Christian name. Johannes is around ten, then there's Noemi, and their new kid is Esther, who is only a year, as far as I know. I told you that I have met them and that they're very nice but I assure you, I had no idea about the name swap."  
"Noemi," Tarja said again and shook her head. "Why?"  
"Because Naomi isn't the correct form in the bible," Tuomas replied and smiled lightly. "I'm sorry, Tari. I had no idea. But on the phone they told me that Naomi ... Noemi ... is doing great at school and that she has many friends. She's very talented, she already plays the piano and apparently she sings like an angel."  
"That's my girl," Tarja whispered and leaned back again.  
"Our girl," Tuomas said. "She's our daughter, Tari."  
"Yes," Tarja replied and smiled too. "I know. Sorry."  
Tuomas squeezed her hand.  
"What's wrong, baby?"  
"Nothing, why?" Tarja whispered.  
"I know you. Is it because of Noemi?"  
"No, I don't care that they changed her name," Tarja sighed. "She isn't our daughter anymore, not officially ... so it's okay. Even though I don't like the other name. No, it's because ..." Tarja sighed. "I tried to sing, Tuo. I can't."  
"Well, you haven't sung in years," Tuomas said carefully. "You'll need a while to be able to use your voice again."  
"I haven't been singing," Tarja said and Tuomas could hear the unbelieving sound in her voice. "Not a single time. Only in my ... other reality."  
"It's okay, that's not bad," Tuomas tried to lift her mood. "You'll just need a bit of training."  
"It's bad for me," Taja sighed. "Singing is my everything. I live to sing. And now ..."  
"Training," Tuomas repeated and smiled. "I'll have a look for a good teacher."  
Tarja nodded. "Thanks."  
"So, what now?" Tuomas continued. "Do you know when you'll be ready to leave?  
"From here?" Tarja snorted. "Not so soon, after my nightly break in into Dr. Jokinen's office."  
"Why not?" Tuomas replied. "Look at it from a different angle - you didn't break in because you're insane or delusional, you broke in because you're on the path of improvement and you've started to question things. That _is _an improvement for sure. Plus, Marjatta and me also noticed that you're better. You're back in the here and now and we both can see it. Tell that to Jokinen."  
Tarja laughed quietly. "Yes. You're right, I feel better. They've put down my dose of Abilfy."  
"That's great," Tuomas said and kissed Tarja's forehead. "Sweetheart, I need to leave. I have a job interview in two hours."  
"You do?" Tarja asked. "Where?"  
"Well ..." Tuomas bit his lip. "It's ... an audition, actually. For a band. They're looking for a keyboardist."  
"Oh," Tarja said.  
"Don't be angry," Tuomas pleaded. "I'm so unhappy with my current job and I thought ... well, I made the appointment before you returned to us and also I don't know if you even want to be in Nightwish again and then the guys, Emppu, Jukka, Marco ... I don't know if they want to be back in the band either. So I didn't tell anyone but I - I miss being in a band and -"  
"Hey," Tarja interrupted him gently, placing a hand on the keyboarder's arm. "Why do you think I would be angry? No, Tuo, I'm happy. You should have done that sooner."  
"I couldn't," Tuomas said quietly. "It felt like I was cheating on you."  
"Really?" Tarja had to grin. "That's ... wow."  
"I'm really happy that you aren't angry." Tuomas told her.  
"Why would I? I can't sing anyway," Tarja said with a shrug. "By the way ... speaking of cheating ..." She blushed lightly. "Did you have anyone during the last years?"  
"Would you be angry if I did?" Tuomas asked, avoing his beloved's eyes. "Because I did ..."  
"Girlfriends or just for fun?" Tarja asked. She didn't sound angry at all.  
"I tried to date," Tuomas said, "but there was always you on my mind, waiting for me. So I never had a girlfriend in all those years. I did have a few women though. For ... fun."  
"That's okay," Tarja said, noticing his guilty face. "I was completely gone. It's fine, really, I would have done the same."  
"Really? It honestly took me years to go that far ... around the time I gave Naomi away. After that I didn't dare to touch you again and that's how ..."  
"I know," Tarja said quickly. "I mean, I know we've slept with each other. Of course. Well, I thought it was only in my dreams but now I know it really happened. And that it stopped after I had Naomi. I would be very egoistic if I was angry because you slept with other women. As if I could expect chastity from you." Tarja let out a short laugh.  
Tuomas laughed as well, relieved. "I thought about it and I really tried to be abstinent for a while. It's very hard."  
"Don't tell me, now that I know that I - _wow, _I didn't have sex in _years!"_  
Tuomas looked at her with a lopsided smile. "Do you want to tell me that ..."  
Tarja looked at him innocently. "I don't know ... you have a job interview but would you like to?"  
"Is that a joke?" Tuomas chuckled. "Wait for me, I'll go and get a key."


	7. Chapter 7

Tarja couldn't remember the last time someone had taken her outside. She didn't even know if it had ever happened but she suspected it. They couldn't have locked her in a room for fourteen years - or could they?  
It was autumn. November, a few days after Halloween. The park that Tuomas had taken her to was still polluted with sweets packaging. Tarja shook her head about the fact that here, in this reality, kids acted the same way as in her fantasised reality. After a while she didn't know why she had ever raged about anything. Her insides were empty now and her head was clear. She felt indifferent about Marcelo, their dreamed marriage, Naomi and her whole made up career.  
But only because the plan from weeks ago had slowly taken on a more concrete form.  
She would play sane and Tuomas would take her home. She would wait a while, until he trusted her enough, and then ...  
"Are you alright?" his sudden voice ripped her out of her fantasy and Tarja turned her head, looking into the bright, blue eyes of the man she loved.  
Yes, that was a problem. She loved him, she really did. And she didn't know if she even _could _end this misery. She would do it immediately, if not for Tuomas.  
"I'm fine," she said gently. "It's been a while since I've been outside, I guess. I can't remember that I have."  
Tuomas let out a silent chuckle. "They placed you into a wheel chair and I took you outside for a few times," he said.  
"Oh," Tarja made. "Thank you."  
Tuomas took her hand. "No problem. Would you like to escape for a while?"  
"Escape?" Tarja asked. "Where to?"  
"Anywhere," Tuomas said. "Choose. Kitee. My island. Your parents. Your brothers. My parents. The guys. Naomi."  
"I don't ... I don't know," Tarja whispered. "Yes. I would like to escape but I'm not ready to face the guys or your parents yet. And for Naomi ..." Tarja bit her lip. "_Noemi_, I mean. I would really love to see her and talk to her parents. I just want to know that she's fine."  
"I called them again this morning and they're at home. They told me to drop by anytime."  
Tarja couldn't believe how nice and down-to-earth these parents sounded. Way better than she would have been as a parent. Would she allow the real parents of her adopted kid to see it, if it was the other way round? She wasn't sure. Probably not, she'd be scared that they'd take it from her.  
"Where do they live?" Tarja asked, somehow hoping that it was far away. She _needed _to escape.  
"Joensuu," Tuomas answered and Tarja's heart clenched in disappointment.  
Joensuu was not even an hour away from where they were right now.  
"Okay, so let's go?" Tarja asked and forced herself to smile.  
"Yes!" Tuomas called and smiled so broadly, it hurt her even more.  
His smile was showing hope and love. And Tarja knew she was about to destroy this smile forever.

Noemi's family lived in a big, beautiful house outside of Joensuu. The garden was large and there was a fountain. Tarja spotted a cat playing with a ball in the grass next to the fountain.  
It looked so peaceful and scenic, Tarja felt a sting in her heart.  
She was glad for her daughter to live at such a wonderful place.  
"They have a cat, look," Tuomas said, pointing at the animal.  
Tarja nodded. "You've always wanted one, I remember."  
Tuomas laughed. "And _you_ always wanted a dog. That was why we never agreed on anything and in the end we got neither a cat nor a dog."  
"We could get a cat now," Tarja suggested as they walked up to the door.  
"Really? Why now?" Tuomas asked curiously.  
_Because__, _Tarja thought, _I __don't__ want you __to__ be alone if __I__ ... when __I__ ..._  
She swallowed hard.  
"Because I changed my mind. A dog is more work than a cat."  
"True," Tuomas chuckled and pressed the doorbell.  
Tarja's heart was racing but as the couple answered the door, her heart stopped for a moment.  
The couple was older than she had expected, they were definitely older than 50 years already. Maybe that was good?  
"Tarja?" the woman asked, her smile widening.  
"Yes," Tarja said and forced herself to smile again.  
"Nice to meet you, come in! I'm Hanneli and this s my husband Ari. Call me Hanni. Nice to see you again, Tuomas. You look better than last time you were here!"  
"I _am_ better," Tuomas told them and took Tarja's hand, pulling her inside. "I have my love back."  
"That is wonderful," Hanni said and sounded happy indeed. Tarja wondered why they knew each other so well and if Tuomas had maybe visited them more often than he had admitted. Hadn't he told her he had had no idea about Naomi's new name? Hadn't he pretended as if he would never see the family? If Noemi knew that he was her father?  
She pushed the thoughts aside. She would have to wait with asking.  
Hanni and Ari led them to their large living room, offering them coffee and cake.  
Tarja accepted the cake shyly. While Tuomas and Ari were talking about what had happened during the last months, Tarja felt Hanni's look on her.  
And everytime she looked up, she caught her smiling.  
"She looks like you," she said after a while. "Emi."  
"Emi?" Tarja asked and then she realised. "Noemi ..."  
"Yes, it's her self chosen nickname," Ari agreed. "And she indeed looks like you."  
"Lucky her. She'll be very beautiful," Hanni added and Tarja smiled gently.  
"Thanks. Uhm ... where is she?"  
"At her piano class. Ari will pick her up in a few minutes," Hanni answered. "And until she's here, we can talk. I suppose, you have questions."  
Tarja looked at Tuomas, who nodded encouraging.   
"Just one, actually," Tarja said. "Does Noemi know that she's adopted?"  
"We haven't told her yet," Hanni answered. "She's too young, in our opinion. Sooner or later she will figure it out, I guess, since we have a baby too and - well, we're obviously too old to have a baby."  
"And if you'll tell her," Tarja started carefully, "will you let her see us?"  
"If she wants to, why not?" Hanni said and smiled again.  
Tarja's heart felt warm. They were way nicer than she had expected. To be honest, she had expected two very strict bible addicts, who didn't like the fact that their daughter's biological parents were metalheads. And that the mother was insane, because obviously they knew.  
Tarja watched them as Ari announced that he would pick up Noemi now, watching him bend down and kiss his wife's cheek. She watched Hanni waving after him and turning to Tuomas, asking him about further plans.  
Further plans he had with her, Tarja.  
Tarja didn't listen, after all she had her own plans and didn't really want to hear what Tuomas had planned for them. She heard some pieces of what he said and it was more than frightening already. "Marry". "Band". "House". Tarja shuddered. If he only knew ...  
While Tuomas was talking about a happy future that would never happen, she looked around the living room. Ari had let the cat inside, which was now rubbing its head against Tarja's leg. Tarja reached down to pet its head and the cat purred.  
"You can pick her up, if you want to," Hanni said that very moment. "She's tame."  
Tarja nodded and without thinking she shoved the sleeves of her shirt upwards before picking up the fluffy animal.  
And Hanni gasped. "Oh my God ..."  
At first Tarja didn't realise why, but as she looked down at the cat, she saw why Hanni was shocked.  
Her very scarred arms.  
Quickly she pulled down the sleeves again, looking at Hanni with big eyes. _That_ she hadn't known??  
Her eyes wandered to Tuomas, who stared at his own hands. No, he hadn't told them.  
"I've ... I've had a hard time," she tried to explain.  
"I know, dear," Hanni answered quickly. "I just didn't know ... I had no idea about this. About _how_ hard exactly your life has been."  
Tarja shrugged. Of course Tuomas hadn't told them about what had happened to her. He wouldn't do that. He was good at keeping secrets and he knew that Tarja wouldn't want him to spread what those men had done to her. At least what everyone said they had done.  
"And do you still - sorry if that's too private - but do you still think of doing this?" Hanni asked carefully, whereon Tarja had to smile.  
No. No, she didn't think of doing _this_ anymore.  
"No, I don't," she answered truthfully and saw Tuomas' lips curl into a happy smile. Her heart ached.  
How could she hurt him like this?  
The silence was suddenly interrupted with a baby's cry.  
"Esther is awake," Hanni announced and got up. "I'll get her. Feel like home, you two."  
The woman left the living room and Tarja immediately stood up as well.  
"You pretended as if you didn't have contact with them," she said quietly, looking down at Tuomas with her arms crossed.  
"I know, I'm sorry. I didn't know how you'd react. Yes, I visit them quite a lot. They've become something like my second family. Or third, if I count yours as well."  
"So you knew about Naomi's new name?" Tarja asked and Tuomas sighed.  
"Yes. I'm so sorry."  
"No, it's okay. I get that you didn't tell me, I could have reacted totally different too."  
"You're so reasonable," Tuomas said. "That's new about you."  
"I changed, you know," Tarja huffed.  
"I like it," Tuomas said quickly. "It's just different and I first have to get used to it. You've always been a hothead."  
"Still am," Tarja said gently.  
And just that moment Hanni came back, carrying the toddler girl. "This is Esther, Emi's little sister," she introduced them and Tarja smiled at the sight of the older woman holding her baby daughter. She imagined this baby to be Naomi as Tuomas had given her away and realised that this, the adoption, was probably the best thing that could have happened to her. To any of those kids. Their parents were nice and loving and they had probably tried to have children for a very long time.  
Tarja reached forward, silently pleading to hold the child. Hanni handed the baby over to Tarja, who then started carrying her through the living room.  
"Aren't you a cutie," she told the child. "Gorgeous, that you are."  
"She would have been a great mother," Hanni told Tuomas, who chuckled.  
"Maybe soon she'll have the chance again," he said quietly, but not quietly enough for Tarja to overhear what he had said.  
_No, Tuomas,_ she thought sadly._ I __won't__._

Some minutes later Tarja returned Esther to her mother.  
They sat down again and chatted about the school in Joensuu, Noemi's older brother Johannes, who was at his friend's place at the moment, and Noemi's talents.  
"She loves to compose songs on her keyboard and sometimes she even writes texts," Hanni told them. "She has a beautiful voice. It reminds me of yours, sometimes."  
Tarja looked at her in surprise. "You listen to Nightwish?"  
"I had to, after I found about about your profession," Hanni explained. "I needed to know what I was getting myself into." She chuckled. "And I was very impressed. I remember myself thinking that, if Noemi would have the same talents as her parents, I would gladly support her. She started taking piano lessons with three."  
"Wow," Tarja mumbled. "That's impressive too."  
Suddenly the door went open and Ari called, "We're back!"  
Tarja's heart skipped a beat. Soon she'd see her daughter ...  
And when she came running into the living room, calling "Tuomas!" happily, throwing herself into his arms, Tarja felt like crying. She had not only lost her daughter, she had also made Tuomas lose her.  
With a sting in her chest she watched Tuomas hugging the dark blonde girl and heard how he told her,  
"I brought my friend Tarja today. Do you want to say hello, Emi?"  
Noemi turned around and Tarja just had to stare - the girl was indeed her own double. She looked exactly the way that Tarja had looked at the age of seven.  
Her eyes were just as green, her nose was completely the same. Even her smile looked like Tarja's.  
"Hello," Tarja said with a shaking voice. "I'm Tarja."  
"I'm Noemi but call me Emi. Nice to meet you, Tarja," the girl, her daughter, answered and Tarja let out a quiet breath.  
Her daughter was beautiful, happy and smart.  
And all of a sudden she wasn't so sure about her plan of ending everything anymore.


	8. Chapter 8

Tarja could only stare at this beautiful angel that was her child. Her hair was blonde like her own had been when she was a child and her eyes were blue like Tuomas'.  
But her mouth, her nose, her facial expression ...  
She reminded her so much of herself, her heart was aching.  
It became worse as Emi offered to show them what she had learned on the piano during her lesson before and after sitting down and placing her little fingers on the keys, she turned around and said:  
"Practice makes perfect."  
It hit Tarja, it hit her hard.  
She looked at Tuomas and whispered, "I used to say that too ..."  
Tuomas nodded and wrapped his arms around Tarja, patiently waiting for Noemi to start to play.  
And when she did, it was like Tarja had forgotten all the pain she had to bear during the last years.  
It was her now, her, Tuomas and their child.  
She couldn't say anything until they were back in his car but as soon as Tuomas had pulled on the highway, Tarja turned to him.  
"We'll get her back."  
"What?" Tuomas asked, hoping she didn't mean what he thought.   
"Naomi. We'll get her back."  
"Noemi," Tuomas replied calmly, "and no, we won't. She has a new family. A happy family. We can't take that from her."  
"We're her real parents," Tarja argued. "And she likes you! You're the cool uncle she adores. We could fight for custody!"  
"Tari," Tuomas sighed. "Noemi has a good life with her parents and siblings. She's a happy and talented girl and we shouldn't take that from her. If you want a baby, let's make another one."  
"As if it was so easy," Tarja said and rolled her eyes. "I may be not as fertile anymore as seven years ago. And I don't want a _baby, _I want Naomi. My daughter." She wiped the tears away from her cheeks. "You don't even realise how much I need her. I could feel it, I was better with her. All the doubts about my life, Tuomas ... they were forgotten. She is the reason I'm still alive ..."  
Tuomas couldn't reply. Of course he wanted her to feel better. Of course he couldn't stand the sight of Tarja being depressed and suicidal. But did she really need their daughter to feel better?  
"Tarja," Tuomas finally said. "Think of what Noemi would want. Do you think she would want to leave her parents?"  
"We're her parents," Tarja mumbled.  
"Her biological parents, yes," Tuomas said. "But there's much more than making a baby to be a parent. Love, compassion and devotion. That's what you need to be a real parent and Hanni and Ari own that. I've known them for years and believe me, they really love our daughter as if she was their own. I wouldn't want to tear them apart."  
Tarja bit down on her lower lip to prevent herself from crying.  
"But," Tuomas continued gently and reached for Tarja's hand, squeezing it, "I have wanted a child with you for such a long time. We could at least try."  
Tarja smiled.

And the rest of the day they tried.  
Tuomas brought her to their house (in which Tuomas had been living alone for fourteen years). He already undressed her in the entryway, kissed her milklike skin and lead her into the living room. He poured them two glasses of red wine and they clinked glasses. Tuomas got rid of his clothes as well, to make them both feel equal, and crawled closer to his girlfriend. He placed gentle kisses on her skin, murmuring "I love you" between every kiss.  
He trailed the kisses down and parted her legs, eager to see if he still knew how to make her come with his lips only.  
Tarja almost died with excitement. How long had it been to feel his talented lips on her private parts? Way too long. She felt how much she had needed it and how much she had wanted it. He had always succeeded in making her come hard.  
And so it was now. While Tarja was still screaming from her orgasm, Tuomas settled between her legs and entered her slowly.  
"Oh my God," he whispered and bent down to kiss her. "You feel amazing ..."  
Tarja, still not fully back to the ground yet, smiled weakly. "I love you," she whispered and Tuomas had to smile too.  
"Oh, baby," he whispered and once again leant down to kiss her. "Forever. Okay? You and I forever."  
Tarja's heart ached. "Forever," she whispered.

Tuomas brought her back in the evening. Sister Hilda was already awaiting Tarja and escorted her back into her room.  
"How was your day?" she asked and Tarja just had to smile.  
"Good," she said and sighed. "We visited Noemi and talked about having a child on our own."  
"That is wonderful!" Hilda said and opened the door to her room. "I can see a big improvement."  
Tarja nodded. "We want to have a baby," she mumbled and laid down on her uncomfortable bed. Compared to Tuomas' soft couch and bed this was the hell on earth. "And a house and a cat. We want to be happy."  
"That is really great," Hilda said and pulled the blanket over Tarja. "Just a few more tests and we'll see if you're ready to leave."  
"I am," Tarja said quickly. "I am. Only because of Naomi. I have seen her and now I know ... I am ready. I am healed."  
"Every patient says that at least once while being here," Hilda answered. "But you're the first one who means it. I believe you. Sleep well now, Tarja. We will see what tomorrow brings."

The next day Tarja felt like a new person. Also she acted like a new person. She looked years younger as Hilda entered to bring the breakfast, which was probably because of Tarja's broad smile.  
"Has Tuomas called?" she asked immediately. "Is he going to pick me up again today?"  
"Not yet, dear, but we will inform you as soon as he called," was Hilda's answer.  
"He promised to call me today, so I'm going to wait," Tarja decided and ate in peace.  
Tuomas didn't call but he picked her up at eleven, carrying a basket with food. He kissed his girlfriend and led her to his car, bringing her away from the asylum once again.  
He drove for half an hour until he stopped in front of a lake. He prepared the picnic, unfolded a blanket and put out the food. "Selfmade spreads," he announced and showed her the many Tupperware boxes he had brought. "And fresh bread. I also bought cake and wine."  
"Isn't it a little too cold for a picnic?" Tarja laughed and let her lover wrap another blanket around her. "It's November after all."  
"Yes, but I figured that you haven't eaten outside in an eternity," Tuomas said and poured some wine in plastic cups. "And I wanted to tell you how proud of you I am. I can see the change, I could see it yesterday already. You changed and I am so grateful ..." Suddenly he was shaking.  
Carefully he put his cup down and let Tarja take his hand.  
"What's wrong?" she whispered.  
"I ... I wanted to tell you, that I got the job," Tuomas said and looked everywhere but at her. "As a keyboardist in this band called _Justiciar. _I was there and it was great, the guys are great, the music is right up my alley ..."  
"But that's really cool," Tarja said and smiled at him. "Why are you nervous?"  
"Because I was scared of telling you. And I'm scared of telling Emppu, Jukka and Marco. We're still a band somehow, though we haven't performed in years."  
"They will understand," Tarja said gently. "They've all started their new career pretty early, as far as I know. You've waited too long."  
"I know," Tuomas sighed, "but I was afraid that I couldn't find a band like _Nightwish_. And I know that I won't ... not without you."  
"But that's not everything, right?" Tarja said and squeezed her boyfriend's hand harder. "I know you. There's more than that."  
"Yes, you caught me," Tuomas sighed and sat up. "There was this weird plan inside my head. Of us being a family ... but that was almost fifteen years ago. In 2004, when we were happy and young and alive. I bought this for you ..." Tuomas reached into the pocket of his pants, pulling out a small, golden ring.  
Tarja gasped lightly.  
"I wanted to ask you to be my wife but I couldn't. I was too scared that you could say no. Because we were young and dumb. But now we aren't young anymore - we're definitely still dumb - and I thought I could try. I don't want to die without trying. So, uhm ..."  
He shifted and got on his knees.  
"I've practised this for a hundred times at least and now I've forgotten everything I wanted to tell you." He laughed.  
"You kept the ring," Tarja suddenly whispered. "You kept this ring for fifteen years?"  
Tuomas smiled. "Yes. I bought it for you, so I couldn't just simply sell it or throw it away. I bought this ring when I was sure that we would stay together forever and now I'm still sure about it ... so why buy a new ring? This ring has waited to be worn by you for so many years, so - will you? Wear it?"  
Tarja had to laugh gently and took the ring from him, shoving it on her finger. "I guess so," she replied quietly.  
"So you want to marry me?" Tuomas asked carefully and pulled his woman in his arms, caressing her face. "You want to be my wife?"  
"Yes," Tarja whispered and reached up to touch his cheek. "Forever, right? We've promised each other."  
"Oh my God," Tuomas mumbled and kissed her forehead. "I'm going to marry Tarja Turunen."  
Tarja laughed. "Yes, you will."

Tarja was shivering as she got dressed again.  
"I have never had sex on a blanket in front of a lake in fucking November before," she told Tuomas, who was staring into the sky.  
"It was amazing," he sighed and Tarja bent down to kiss her fiancé's nose tip.  
"It was indeed," she said, "but cold. And not really comfortable."  
"Yet you came," Tuomas countered and sat up to hug her slim body. "I could feel it, you were so tight around me. Why didn't you scream? You usually scream."  
"We could have been caught, Tuo!" Tarja scolded. "It was really exciting but I honestly didn't want to turn any attention on us. It's not _that_ cold yet, there are still people taking walks around here. Children could have seen us!"  
"Calm down, love." Tuomas touched her lips with his. "I get you and I'm sorry I started it. Here is not the right place but if you want to, we can eat now and continue at home. Remember, we want to have a baby."  
"Don't stress me like that, oh my God!" Tarja called. "I haven't even left the nuthouse and you're already pushing me to have a family and marry. Yes, I still want both, but I also need time."  
"But ... but Tari, you sounded so happy -"  
"Don't you understand me?" Tarja shook her head and let out a whimper. Without being able to control it, she had started to cry. Damn it. "I was married already and I had a child. Yes, I know it wasn't real, but to me it happened! I had real feelings for Naomi and Marcelo and I still have! I love you, Tuomas, but I also love ... I still love Marcelo. I know that it's sick and that I need to fall out of love with him but therefore I need time. Lots of time to forget about this other life ... forget about the love I had for my unreal daughter and unreal husband. I thought you'd love me enough to understand ... understand, that I can't simply _let go _of them. It's going to be a hard and long procedure and if you really and truly love me, Tuomas, I expect you to understand and to help me. So don't urge me to ... carry your child already. I'm not ready, I'm simply not ... ready. Not yet."  
"Tari, I know," Tuomas whispered and tried to took her hand, but Tarja pushed him away.  
"No. You don't know. Maybe you understand but you don't _know_ how I feel. How could anyone know what another person feels." She shook her head. "Drive me home, Tuomas. I'm tired and I need a shower."  
And Tuomas drove her back to the asylum.  
The rest of the drive she didn't talk to him.


End file.
